You wanna know what I should be doing right now? I should be writing a paper on Truman Capote's "Miriam". Wanna take a stab at what I'm not writing right now? For some reason I can't find it in me to write something that's so objective. It's not subjective at all (obviously) but the point is, this is due tomorrow... and I want to get to bed at 11PM, this is not going to happen unless I just sit down and do it when I get back in my room from my desk shift. I want to seriously take a look at my teacher's critiques and ponder them as I TOTALLY REWRITE THE PAPER SHE DESTROYED! I feel attacked, but I know I'm not being attacked. It is simply her job to tell me how much I suck.

How is it that I can write for hours here and not stop and think about what I need to say, but when it comes to something I'm interested in (such as the idea that Mrs. Miller in "Miriam" is loony) can't motivate me to sit down and write. Maybe it's the feeling that my teacher will hate it and give me another "C". I work way to frickin hard to psych myself up to write these papers and go to class to deserve a "C". By the way, lovely reader, I have dysthymia disorder.

Dysthymic Disorder is characterized by chronic depression, but with less severity than a major depression. The essential symptom for Dysthymic disorder is an almost daily depressed mood for at least two years, but without the necessary criteria for a major depression. Low energy, sleep or appetite disturbances and low self-esteem are usually part of the clinical picture as well.

People who have Dysthymic disorder will often report that they don't recall ever not feeling depressed, but they may be relatively functional in managing their life, although the symptoms are severe enough to cause distress and interference with important life role responsibilities. It is important to have a complete physical to rule out any physical illnesses that might be causing the depression. Also, if the person has a chronic medical condition that appears to be the cause for the depression (such as any chronic debilitating condition), then the correct diagnosis might be a Mood Disorder due to a general Medical Condition, even if all the criteria for Dysthymic disorder are met. The question is whether the medical condition is physically causing the depression, rather than creating chronic psychological distress that is causing the depression.

yay me. But I'm really trying to not let it affect me in school. It's not that I'm lazy, I'm just not motivated because I feel that no matter what I'll get a horrible grade. Bad way to think. I know, but it doesn't ever escape my mind.

oh well. I guess I've procrastinated enough, maybe I'll be able to get it done.